Thoughts

----------oOo----------

Entry No. 0.2

Time passed by so swiftly. I have given myself the chance to know myself better, and solely allotted few months on that purpose. But now I still found myself empty-handed on answers about who I am and where I should really be? Time has been ticking away fast. I know I have to do something about it, else all my efforts are pointless. Just at this moment of confusion and pressure, an idea came to my mind to go through my old journals. Maybe, after all these time, the answers are just here, waiting to be unfolded once again.

Journal notebook #1

• A simple, spring-bound, Blue Feather notebook
• This is filled in by the fifteen-year old Aby
• It contains a lot of visuals (pictures, doodles and cut-outs from magazines and newspapers).
• Contents in writing:
• Fear of consequences from leaving my assignments at home.
• Fear of  college life
• Budget list for my daily allowance (Php 140.00 daily)
• List of my classmate's name
• Forgetting to apply deodorant
• Stories of my birthday and some school activities that stressed me badly
• Daily schedules
• Two empty pages in the middle of the notebook
• Fear of the future
• Problems with physical appearance
• Ok, insecure pala talaga ako!
• A page of my own signatures
• My dream of finally meeting Peter Pan
• My experience riding the bus on my own for the first time
• The gratitude I have for God for everything this life has to offer, may it be good or bad!
• Complaints about my family (funny part)
• Mostly proves how little I see myself in every way. People did not belittle me nor they told me I am ugly. It is just me who inflicted all these thoughts in my head. I was so concerned on how others see me.

Journal notebook #2

• A fourteen-peso, 80 pages, 12.7x17.78cm, ring-bound, Avanti notebook
• Filled in by a seventeen-year old Aby
• Have irregularly cut photos of myself and my family members
• Have newspaper prints and photos pasted in almost every pages
• With small tokens from friends and events clipped, taped and pasted in some other pages
• Some pages have sketches of thin, model(ish) figures 
• Contents in writing:
• Introduction of my family members
• A short Tagalog essay
• How earning and extra activities dictates my self-worth
• Realizations on how I really enjoyed those small things my mom do for me
• Finding meaning to things especially the reason why I am taking up Nursing as a program in college
• An attempt to review measuring body parts
• List of things in my memory box and where they are from
• Ten rules for understanding others
• A reaction essay about "The Express: The Advantage of Having an Enemy" by Dorothy Rowe (an essay recommended by a friend)
• Gratitude to things God has provided me with 
• Of course, daily schedule!
• Prayers
• An essay I wrote about The Worth of Work: The Fruit of My Labor, about The Law of Dominance (I don't know where I got this from), about dilemmas of life, like hunger, pain and sufferings (I'm weird)
• I must have really liked make-up! (haha)
• Baking recipes
• Kiss marks I did using the very first lipstick I bought from Bench, I believe
• Financial concerns!
• A short essay about beauty
• A list why I am a disappointment and about the things I wanted to do when I finally earn my own money
• A short poem with the title: A Love Letter From Jesus
• An entry about what I really want vs where I was
• Picture diary
• A poem about societal, or rather, personal, issues
• My awe and appreciation on home designs
• A dried rose I used as a hair accessory when I was in fourth year high school and our class won that year's choral competition
• A hand-written letter from my mother
• An entry about my collection of dreams
• Tedious school responsibilities
• Shifting college programs?
• Meeting an overseas friend
• Low self-perception
• Quotes and lists of things to remember from friends sent to me via E-mail
• Crushes (haha)
• An old packet of cloud 9
• An unopened White Rabbit candy wrapper (ants ate all of it!)
• A heart-shaped key chain from a friend
• A tube filled with small stones and pebbles from a friend
• An interesting doodle I made

Journal notebook #3

• A yellow, twenty-peso, 9"x 7", 80-leaves, ring-bound Spring Leaf premium notebook
• Written by a nineteen-year old Aby
• More writings with content
• Photos of the "evolution" of my face
• Minute sketches and doodles that are more appealing to the eyes
• Colorful pens
• Paper inserts of things I need to learn about
• Contents in writing:
• My intimate conversation with God
• List of dreams,  things I feel sorry for, I miss, I felt idiotic and lonely for, food I ate for the day, people that made me feel secure, things I did on Christmas day, my wants and steps to focus more
• My personal mission, vision and core values of becoming a nurse
• Budget
• A poem about friendship
• An unfinished journal entry
• Problems I dealt with focusing
• Frustrations
• A proclamation of God's gracefulness
• A letter for my crush a.k.a. Jun Pyo (haha)
• A letter I wrote and did not give to my first love
• Recipe for Tuna Spaghetti
• Finally deciding on changing myself for the better
• My deep admiration towards Bob Ong
• Hardships of reviewing for the boards
• Insecurities (Again! Argh!)
• A poem about being pretentious
• Quotes, letters and stories I copied from the Bible and other books
• A song-lyric I held on to during times I felt down
• High-school graduation song lyric
• Teachings of my Tito Pio
• A day with Balita! Reading Balita's book
• Test drills results

Journal notebook #4

• A yellow-green, twenty-five pesos and seventy-five cent, 9"x 7", 80-leaves, ring-bound Spring Leaf premium notebook
• Written by a twenty-year old Aby
• Practice signatures and lettering
• No more doodles
• Contents in writing:
• Jobless moments after the exam and while awaiting for the result of the boards
• Quotations from the Bible and other books
• List of "Katangian of a man worthy of love", Dreams, reminders for myself to do at work, four new habits, things I learned from reading Harry Potter. my goals and my wants
• Frustrations
• Lyrics of my beloved songs
• Daily schedule
• Budget
• Making decisions
• Essays I wrote for this blog

Re-reading all of these journals, I have come to a realization that for such a long time, I have looked at myself so differently in such a way that I always pity myself for being cosmetically different. I have had personal issues with myself and with people around me that, now, for me is just a nonsense matter, but the truth is they are those things that made me who I am now.