Twenty-four and No Boyfriend Since Birth!

Hi! My name is Aby. I am twenty-four years old and a certified NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth). 

Don't give me "that look"! Yes, over the years I have coined that term to imply the look of ridicule, doubt and awe all rolled into one. This should not have been an issue if it is not because of the fact that kids as young as twelve years old form certain relationships with their opposite sex and I am in my mid 20's and still had not any yet. With this in mind, people see my case as extraordinary!

I would really like to tell you that I am just kidding about this, but I cannot do such a thing because this is the truth. I am twenty-four and has NEVER had a boyfriend since birth. If it is not bad enough that people give me the look, the worse thing about the situation is the questions people ask of me. These questions should just remain rhetorical if you ask me, because quite frankly they are very difficult to answer without being sarcastic. Let me give you some example:

1. "Really?!"

In my mind: Yes, really. 

Why should I make a joke out of it?! 

Will it make you laugh when I say, "Hey, it is just a joke!"?

What I say: Yup! (with a nod, of course)

2. "Maybe you are too picky?"

In my mind: No, I am not. 

Being picky is different from having some standards. Standards are good, they provide you with opportunity to use your free-will. What's wrong with some standards? They are not wrong, as     long as they are REALISTIC!

What I say: No, I am not.

3. "Are you planning to enter the convent?"

In my mind/What I say: Nope.

I have thought about it, but no... 

But who knows what the future holds?

4. "Are you gay?"

 In my mind: I have thought about it, but no I am not a lesbian nor a bi.

 What I say: I am happy, but I am not a lesbian nor a bi.

5. But, then, "WHY?"

(The biggest question that disturbs me every time.)

Thinking about it, I may answer that question differently under two occasions: 

The first occasion is when I really feel alone and wanting to be in a relationship, but none comes my way. Under this circumstance, I might just actually punch you because asking "why?" to an  emotionally disturbed person is a deadly sin or so medical people say. 

The second occasion is when I am at a moment like now. At this time, I just feel like focusing on myself, know it a bit more and find happiness from within.

I am not an empty case if anyone is wondering. There came people in my life that somehow created impact and hope in it. People whom I spent endless nights of exchanging SMS, calls, chats and daydreams with. But for a reason or two, things just didn't work out. Unfortunately, the reasons were always for them to know, and for me to find out. The experiences ended unexpectedly and left me with the same pain.

People say, don't get your hopes too high. Let me tell you now, I didn't expect anything nor I demanded, or so I thought. Thinking about this now, I realize that for every denial that I didn't expect anything from them, I, in fact, had already built the foundation of a dream filled with hope and expectations behind my mind, and when "it" ended, they took with them a block of hope from the foundation I had built to build another foundation of insecurities and pain to keep my heart from recovering and growing.

This happening to me over and over finally took a toll on me. I am shameful of revealing these experiences to people. I made them believe that it is my choice to stand on my own. The shame of not being in a relationship because of the same reason is overbearing that I became so insecure and doubtful of my own persona. For the longest time, I have been believing that I am not pretty more so good ENOUGH for anybody to choose me and stay. This belief is stuck with me that I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. 

One day, I just woke up and made a decision. I don't care if I am single. I will stand on my own ground and be happy pursuing me. I have so much worries in life that I forgot how to be truly happy. I need to love myself and accept all its impurities and imperfections before I let anybody enter my life. I just need to respect myself first and build myself strong so that when THE PERSON comes, I will not ask him to fill-in the empty spaces within me because I am already complete. When he comes, I am already full of love for myself that my only purpose is to share it to him; not the one demanding or asking, but the one giving. I will be the person who have all the gifts of understanding and loving for him. When he comes, I can only offer him nothing but the best, though with all these impurities and imperfections.