Rebirth

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Ellipses... meaning a word or a sentence is yet undone - the thought bubble in writing which means, “I’m still thinking.”, “I am in the process” or “getting there”.

Within me I feel I am at that moment. The ellipse in my life, where everything is undone and still going on, yet it is also where everything seems so uncertain. I am in the process of thinking where I will be going, who I am and what I am really capable of doing. 
Some great scientist out there has already tinkered the term quarter life crisis to refer to that process. Quarter life crisis for those people who are extremely confused while in their quarter of a century life. This is all I know about this topic for I no longer searched on this matter. I don’t need another learning as complicated as this; I have bombarded myself with so much already as I have taken nursing as a profession. Studying another theorem is just so much work for me.

As young as I am, I consider living as a tedious job because I haven’t experience the true value of that word.  My younger self has been so naive and idealistic thinking I was living a life lest those people who are worthlessly enjoying parties, sleepovers and such. But being in this position I am now, I realized that I never actually lived. I was merely surviving.

Let me introduce myself. I am a twenty-four year-old young adult, born, raised and lived in the same place for that span of that time as well. I grew up in a family of seven, three brothers, a sister, a mother and a father. I took my elementary and secondary studies in a private  Catholic church. In there I was mold to listen and become sensitive with societal issues through awareness campaigns from speakers and documentary videos. I learned that outside school walls, life is harsh and it will never be easy and beautiful except for those people who work hard and who are rich enough. Usually these people are those who are willing to sacrifice so much to gain much more.From this learning, I come to believe that having money is the only way to happiness, and for as long as I don’t get as much, I can never be truly happy. However, I did not see the reality behind those awareness campaigns. They are made to persuade people what they want us to believe. They are the powerful media for sake, and I was lured into their trap. For so many years, I believed that to be happy you should have so much and so for years, I also believed I am not worthy to be truly happy. I made the decision to never be happy until I have a lot.

As a student, I was an achiever. I joined so many school organizations at a time – student catechism program, english club, glee club, peer counseling program, etc. I was a student leader, a position in the class and another in some of those organizations. I competed in various contests (arts, speaking, cooking, writing, dancing, socker, etc) and win. I was gifted in arts and languages, and sometimes, we ought to attend after school and weekend programs for that. I was an active member of the student body, and always present as a participant or a hostess to any school events. All of these I did while maintaining a scholarship. Not a school year has passed that end without a medal around my neck, kinder through college. After college, I became a registered nurse, got my other licenses and and landed a job in one of the reknowned hospitals in the province. There, too, you’ll see my life pattern. Once again, I became active in various institutional events as a host, performer, participant or player in some organized company game. Then, came the time that I followed the footsteps of all the nurses that come before me. I applied for a job abroad. After waiting for some time, I finally received the acceptance call, passed the interview, finished all the required papers, passed the foreign board exams, did all the medical works, planned my life abroad and then in the midst of it all a wall hit my face. Dead end. Something happened, I was not cleared of my medical. Dead end for me and my goals. I have planned everything already, and worked hard for it. There should not be any hindrances to it! What should I do? Completely lost, I quit everything. I quit my job and I quit the kind of life I am living. For weeks, I locked myself in my room, did nothing but to curl up on the bed and cry my heart out. People continuously ask what happened to me, I never spoke to anybody. I had nothing left in me. I worked hard, prayed for it, sacrificed a lot and then got nothing in the end. I was a failure and so came the realization I can never be happy.

Funny. Ironic. Metaphoric. I don’t know, but after years of over achieving, I never thought all will eventually end to this. Sick with a crippling disease, broke, shaken, shattered and tried. I was completely lost. My identity of who I used to be was gone. Who am I? I now ask myself. So the ellipses of my life begun. This is the moment of finding myself, rebuild what was broken and create a stronger new version of me. But unlike before, this version should embody the real me. But who is the real me?

Let me reintroduce myself. I am a jack of all trades, master of none. I can sing, do arts and crafts, write a little, cook something, dance a little and speak to people. For years I have been doing these and for years, people have been seeing them all. Like a ping pong ball, I move here and there doing jobs far from what I took in college. Now is the chance of knowing about me where my heart really lies. I left my job to heal my body from the disease I can never get rid of anymore. But I also left everything to find my lost self, live a life and be truly happy. Now, I am a teacher, a craftsman, an artist, a business person, a daughter and a sister. This is my journey, the rebirth of me.