Entry No. 1.9

THOUGHTS

There are words of disgust and doubt lingering in my mind at all corners. Babbling as a child, I can already say how awful this world can be to me – with this skin so dark, hair so kinky and body so stout. Nobody can easily see the beauty in that. More so, as my coos become clear uttered words with outstanding gusto and intellect, my physical display seems to outweigh the inner glow. Very few are interested to travel in that bland desert to see the oasis in me. My steps had been unsure and forced through the years.

Self-hatred grew stronger. Every time I looked at the mirror, I wanted to escape that desert. People told me that deserts were supposed to be very humid, they did not tell me that it was always winter there as well. Cold and depressed I was all through my childhood. There was nothing good I can remember. That was not who I was supposed to be. That was not me.

I traveled the hot sands and by some miracle, stumbled upon a suitcase. It was huge but lightweight, as if empty. Without any locks, I opened that suitcase. Lo and behold, it was, indeed, empty. Without any second thoughts, I brought it with me throughout my journey in that desert. Walked I went and found a rough stone. It was double the size of my hand clasped together. Very odd to find such stone in that desert, and bewildered as I was, I put it inside the suitcase and moved on. Again, I traveled the sand dunes, and as I move along saw this prickly cactus. It was unusually shaped, so I dug the sands and placed the plant inside the suitcase – souvenir I said. I found interesting objects in my journey and one by one, I put it all in that suitcase. The day has been uncommonly extra humid, and my sweat is beads as it continuously exits my skin. I was extremely tired with the extra baggage I had. I was thirsty, but I had nothing but limited water in my canteen, so I have to be cautious. I continued my journey with a weary body, I lost consciousness and was only awoken by some travelers wiping my face with a cold towel. They helped me regain myself and told me they searched my baggage to identify me, but found nothing but trash. They told me that suitcase tired me more, and since it held no importance, I should just leave it there.

Leaving that baggage was not easy. I had to tell myself every day that it contained no importance to my life. They were junks of other people; they were dirt of this harsh world. One by one, I took things off of that suitcase, until it was once again empty. Then, I left the bag itself, and I was left with none to hold. My travel has been lighter, but still a struggle because my water supply was dwindling.