I Am Waiting

That moment when my eyes touched your gaze was the deadliest. So, I defied the chance to respond to your piercing look. Instead, I looked away with my head up, looking straight forward.

Few months back, I made one of the most frightening decisions ever that can alter my life forever. I decided to not look at any man’s eyes, the first time we meet. You see, it is that first glance that creates the chaotic thoughts of what-if’s and maybe’s. Especially to those whose hearts have been yearning for a loving stare and a caressing touch. I defy that opening of looking at someone’s eyes with intense hope for future possibilities. I decided, instead, to be patient, be still and just wait.

In the process, there are times I feel weary and worried, for this decision brought me nothing but an empty messenger and a useless phone. Insecurities crippled me to the thoughts of ended odds of finally being with somebody. I am afraid that I have played the finale to my chances for love and friendship. Could this be the right decision after all?

I inhaled and breathed out the thought of a wonderful ending of not having the romantic stories built from dreams and only them. I need something that is true and lasting – a person who can hold me at his hand so delicately and protectively. I need a home that can shelter me with happiness and hope for unbroken promises and reassurances.

Numerous times before, I was persuaded to act fast. That I can never have the things I do not work hard for. I have to lure people in with Hi’s and Hello’s. I have to chat, text and call first. But the heartbreaking truth is after all my efforts; I ended up with a lasting self-pity and doubt that I can ever be happy. I was too hopeful the moment we looked at each other. I was malicious and eager to do things my way and fast. The ending was always a heart ache – one after the other.

I stopped initiating the first move, and stilled myself from the fast moving world of continuously changing status from being single to being single again. I stopped looking at men eye to eye, and started talking to them head to head instead. I stopped being malicious with their every action, and started to stand my own ground.

God’s right time is just around the corner, I know. But, I have to wait… to have faith… to build myself first and love everything about myself – flaws and all. So, when the time comes that the first meeting ends, and I have not still looked into your eyes yet, I know it is the right time to finally stare at you eye to eye; touch, hand to hand; embrace, chest to chest; and maybe love, heart to heart.

"The eyes of all look to You, And You give them their food in due time. You open Your hand And satisfy the desire of every living thing." 

-Psalm 145:15-16