Thoughts

THOUGHTS

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Entry No. 0.4

I have slowed down that moment trying to weigh my options. It was long before since I have told people, that people can either step in or step out in love. At a single moment, I tried and grabbed that chance of finally talking with you once again. But, I guess you were not in the same globe as I was in. Maybe I was the only one involved, thinking there could be an us. Maybe these emotions are another one of those what they called unrequited.

People say, on the other hand, to do everything as if you are doing it for the last time. I tried talking to you, because I was afraid of passing this chance and regretting it in the end. I just want to have that moment and chance with you, but all was nothing but a false step. Wrong in every way. I should have kept my instincts at bay and let things be as it was. I was such a dumb fool following the idea of CARPIE DIEM, I know that even though the idea held so much power, it was not in a bit suitable for me.

Swirls of thoughts got in my mind: Maybe, I am meant to be on my own for the rest of my life. Dapat na ba akong maniwala sa forever? Forever looking? Forever alone? Funny to think that for some this is not a problem. More so, a complex idea. But for me, this is like a mathematical problem I tried solving for the longest time, but still could not find answers to; like a rubrics cube which I still haven't got the hang of. 

My self esteem is going downhill. I don't feel beautiful, acceptable and lovable. There is one thing I just hoped would happen - may this feeling of wanting to be wanted go away. I do not need it. I just want to be truly happy and contented for whatever life purpose I ought to live. 

If love would ever come my way, I just hope it will come soon. Else, if it is not meant for me, I hope of not feeling giddy towards anybody. I hope to not hope for it to come. I hope somebody whose not for me will not come and just leave me again. It hurts to expect when nothing is given. It hurts to hope for false reassurances. It hurts to wait. It just hurts for some unexplainable reason that you don't have what seems to be the most exciting, rejuvenating, rewarding and renewing thing that happen to people.