Unbelonging

There is this one emotion that most of us do not want to get acquainted with; this is the feeling of unbelonging.

Psychologists have conducted various studies on this matter, and they, indeed, found out that people who feel connected to another show better quality of life than those who feel rather alone. Those who experience the feeling of unbelonging have more chances of suffering from depression, low self-esteem and even suicide. Search for theories of most psychologists and this idea pops out to be a very important part of growing and living, such as those by Freud and Maslow.

Currently, I think, I am in that brink of feeling that I do not belong to anybody. I just returned to work from a five-month vacation, and with this comes the chance (or consequence) of starting-over. In starting-over, I mean to say that I am back to square one. I am on the probationary period once again and have to serve under deep pressure of performing above average, else a chance to not being a regular employee, though I once was just five months ago. Now, I am back to work at the general ward with people I am not completely familiar with and whom have already created friendships within their own circles.

My closest friend, on the other hand, is soon to pass her resignation and is ready to leave for the UK to work there. I have formed certain bonds with some other workmates, but none like what I formed with her. My friendship with her, though it took time, is honest and real. We have created this understanding between us which brought us to accept each other's misfits and imperfections. But, now she's about to leave. With her, she's taking that secured feeling of belonging.

This feeling is not foreign to me. I have felt this so many times before, but the fact that I was able to feel belonging makes it difficult for me to remove myself from the idea that being in a circle is always better and fulfilling than being on your own.

This is no one's fault because in one way of another I ought to move on in this life, meet new people and live new experiences. But, there are always some problems, and most of these problems are within me.

                                                                                                                                                                                  

1. I am a home buddy.

Most often than not, I enjoy home-bound activities like watching movies or internet videos, reading books, trying out new recipes, painting and drawing and singing.

I also like going out ever now and then, but most of the time I would just go out alone.

2. I am no party-animal.

Parties that involve drinking and smoking are not my thing. I go to these kinds of parties, sometimes, but I do not really enjoy all the drinking. 

3. My cellphone is never busy.

I am one of the people who never felt the need to send a daily quote or greetings to everybody.

I would rather text someone, "Hey, let's eat out!" Meet him/her somewhere and enjoy a good chat. I am not a text-whore.

4. My closest of friends are far from me.

My best friends and I are in three different cities. No matter how much we've wanted to go out often, the chances are still slim because it will be too expensive and time-consuming.

5. I am thrifty.

Though I really wanted to go with my workmates in outings, I always think of the expenses. Plus, there is this feeling of guilt in me that I am leaving my family behind. I wanted to experience those things with my family first.

Hopefully, I would be able to overcome this feeling soon.