If there are thousands of words listed in the dictionary, then why is there none to describe what's in my heart right now? Like a cart in a rollercoaster and the dusts in a whirlwind, I have been running in circles. Completely dizzy and dilapidated from the continues swirls of endless cycles of confusing feelings. Moments like this makes me think to jump off the rail and end it because everything just seemed so hopeless and meaningless. My life is just circling around constant fear and doubt of the unknown that make me weary and totally worthless. The more I think of ways to keep my life on track and to better it; the more things seem uncontrollable and pointless.
Inside my head are voices of people I know. They are whispering words I could not entirely understand, but I can clearly see their thoughts. These are the most painful. People's thoughts of me that they won't tell me, but chose to make me feel, instead. People. People around me.
I am living in fear and anxiety to endless what-if's to what could be's. What's worse than that are my attempts to fight it that only end in failures. I am asking people for help. I have opened my hands wide, knelt my kness and begged for them to help me. People. People only give me those looks of regret and offer me what's only left to them. But I do not need those. I need not what is over pouring from their cup. I need their hand to lift me up from this gutter I am in. I may not talk out loud what I yearn for from them, but here I am totally wrecked from the havock life has given me. My clothes are torn, my hair's a mess, my face is scarred and I am filthy. Can't they see? People can see that I needed them! I do not need alms. It will help me get through a day, yes, but I need their strength to help me stand on my own. I need their warm embrace and words of comfort. I need to feel that I am loved and I am strong enough to do as God wills me to, because right now, I just feel nothing. I am nothing but a dust the wind carries around.
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