Thoughts Entry No. 2

Yes, Life Happened.

It’s been a few years since I last updated this blog. Life, as it tends to do, swept me along its unpredictable path. So much has changed—experiences have been built, moments gathered. Many beautiful, some painful, all meaningful.

From writing about being 24 and NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth), I now find myself married. I’m working as a specialist nurse in one of the most respected trusts in the United Kingdom—perhaps even the world. Looking back through the eyes of my younger self, I can confidently say: I’ve achieved my dreams. I truly have.

And yet, with all the success and growth I’ve experienced, something else has quietly drifted away from me: my ability to truly connect with others.

I’ve never been someone surrounded by a crowd of friends. I’ve always preferred small, genuine circles. But over the years, that circle has only grown smaller—and it hasn’t expanded again. I now find myself feeling… stuck. Alone, in some ways.

Of course, I have my husband, my best friend, my partner in everything. But there’s something irreplaceable about having a close girl friend—a soul sister you can connect with on a deep, unfiltered level.

I miss that. I miss having someone I can pour my thoughts, dreams, fears, and random emotions into—without fear of judgment. I miss spontaneous coffee dates that end in loud laughter and long conversations that feel like therapy for the soul.

I recently sat by a window overlooking the serene beauty of the river in Innishannon. The scene was idyllic, postcard-perfect. But my eyes weren’t on the water or the trees. They were on a group of women across the way, laughing freely, sharing something that felt so warm and familiar—something I deeply miss.

Oh, how I miss having a friend.

Entry No. 1.9

THOUGHTS

There are words of disgust and doubt lingering in my mind at all corners. Babbling as a child, I can already say how awful this world can be to me – with this skin so dark, hair so kinky and body so stout. Nobody can easily see the beauty in that. More so, as my coos become clear uttered words with outstanding gusto and intellect, my physical display seems to outweigh the inner glow. Very few are interested to travel in that bland desert to see the oasis in me. My steps had been unsure and forced through the years.

Self-hatred grew stronger. Every time I looked at the mirror, I wanted to escape that desert. People told me that deserts were supposed to be very humid, they did not tell me that it was always winter there as well. Cold and depressed I was all through my childhood. There was nothing good I can remember. That was not who I was supposed to be. That was not me.

I traveled the hot sands and by some miracle, stumbled upon a suitcase. It was huge but lightweight, as if empty. Without any locks, I opened that suitcase. Lo and behold, it was, indeed, empty. Without any second thoughts, I brought it with me throughout my journey in that desert. Walked I went and found a rough stone. It was double the size of my hand clasped together. Very odd to find such stone in that desert, and bewildered as I was, I put it inside the suitcase and moved on. Again, I traveled the sand dunes, and as I move along saw this prickly cactus. It was unusually shaped, so I dug the sands and placed the plant inside the suitcase – souvenir I said. I found interesting objects in my journey and one by one, I put it all in that suitcase. The day has been uncommonly extra humid, and my sweat is beads as it continuously exits my skin. I was extremely tired with the extra baggage I had. I was thirsty, but I had nothing but limited water in my canteen, so I have to be cautious. I continued my journey with a weary body, I lost consciousness and was only awoken by some travelers wiping my face with a cold towel. They helped me regain myself and told me they searched my baggage to identify me, but found nothing but trash. They told me that suitcase tired me more, and since it held no importance, I should just leave it there.

Leaving that baggage was not easy. I had to tell myself every day that it contained no importance to my life. They were junks of other people; they were dirt of this harsh world. One by one, I took things off of that suitcase, until it was once again empty. Then, I left the bag itself, and I was left with none to hold. My travel has been lighter, but still a struggle because my water supply was dwindling.

Northern Light Kaffe

Woot! Woot! Let me present you one of the latest cafes in town - the Northern Light Kaffe. It is located in Fiesta World Mall in Lipa City, Batangas. It opened only last May, 2018 and will have its grand opening on July 16, 2018. 

Never a Dreamer

I am never a dreamer.

I mean, I cannot remember the dreams I had

when I was sleeping.

Then you came.

I thought you were reality.

Slowly, slipping away...

dreams become a part of my memory.

Entry No 1.8

THOUGHTS

Cars passed before me. It was already past seven in the evening and I just got out of the gym. There I was standing along the streets waiting for a ride to my destination. The night was young. I was still sticky from the sweat because of those strenuous activities I forced myself to finish. The wind gushed against my skin. It felt cool and I loved everything about it. Finally, a ride!

Stop over came and I stepped out of the vehicle to walk a bit more. Again, the breeze was so lovely that night. I bought a cup of iced coffee and continued walking quite relaxed whilst people passed me rushing to grab the next ride home. I felt good walking on the busy highway streets that night relaxed. I had worries too, but at that moment I just let myself feel light and contented. The night was young. I was walking freely under the moon with the cold breeze brushing against my skin. The coffee is strong and cold. I loved it.

Casa De Segunda

Casa de Segunda is one of the very few bahay na bato in Lipa City, Batangas that remained intact during the World War II. It is a National Heritage house, declared in 1996 by the National Historical Commission, and now houses a lot of memorabilia of Segunda Katigbak and her family.

The Payment

I could easily write thousand heavy words about heartbreaks and disappointments as I can easily gulp three cups of coffee in a single breath. My pen is a knife I keep poking at my already bleeding chest. I write pain to inflict hurt; to burn you with the same torment that has thrown me garbage. I cannot cradle your suffering spirit to the comforts of pleasure; that is not my intention. I want to haunt you in your dreams as a shadow painting your rainbow gray. I won't even let a grin escape from those sinful mouth. You are unworthy of the delights of this world.